As the beacon shining atop the sporting hill, the NFL is so successful that it is going beyond merely being an object of admiration to a purveyor of social leadership.
It is about attempt to legislate morality, a feat that has perplexed church and state for a millennium or two.
But hey, neither church nor state ever held an event worthy of 5K a ticket.
Perhaps you have read that new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, apparently shocked at a recent outbreak of human nature among NFL employees, is planning a new series of punishments designed to curb the anti-social taint that appears to be the one stain on the NFL's all-white suit.
"I don't like it," he told reporters at the annual league meetings this week in Phoenix. "It's a bad reflection on the NFL. I don't believe it's representative of our players. There's a few tainting the rest."
True enough. It has been hard to explain how showering strippers with $80,000 in one-dollar bills, a simple act of heartwarming charity by the Tennessee Titans' Pacman Jones that should have been featured on one of those United Way commercials, instead devolved into threats, fights and the gunshot wounding of three people in Las Vegas.
If such generosity can be twisted so perversely, clearly the NFL needs to go about changing its part of the world.
So Goodell, in conjunction with the players union as well as outside experts, will announce before the draft next month a new, more draconian disciplinary policy for players who get in trouble away from the field.
It remains unclear why we have less tolerance for the actions of immature pro athletes than we do of august members of Congress, British royals or the Catholic priesthood. Just the other day, Prince Harry was seen coming out of a pub drunk at 2 a.m., taking a swing at a photographer and stumbling into the gutter. Is anyone talking about suspending his prince-hood for a year without salary?
Anyway, few specifics have emerged from the NFL plottings except that punishments for misdeeds will be harsher and quicker. Goodell suggested two things that represent a departure: The league may punish a player before legal action has concluded, and teams may be sanctioned as well.
"We've got to get to (players) as quickly as possible," he said.
"We'll deal with repeat offenders very harshly. ... At some point we need to be able to react before the legal process plays out.
"We're going to hold our clubs more accountable. If they're not doing everything they can, we'll take it into consideration."
This is groundbreaking, although perhaps in the way in which land mines are groundbreaking.
Without getting involved in an arcane discussion about points of law, the issue of punishment for violations of civil law before the rendering of civil judgments can be explained with two words familiar to many sports fans: Duke lacrosse.
The rush to judgment in that case, involving allegations of sexual assault at a party hosted by players, should serve as a cautionary tale. Even the ultra-bright Dookie administrators fell victim to the urge to look good and be politically correct, handing out sanctions before facts were clear.
As with Duke or any university, the NFL is automatically an involved party in each incident involving player misbehavior. The institutions are not disinterested agencies pursuing only justice; they're money-making private businesses consumed with damage control to avoid loss of revenue.
They will protect image well ahead of an individual. But as was seen at Duke, the cops and prosecutors aren't always right.
That said, when former University of Washington and Chicago Bears lineman Tank Johnson is discovered to have a larger arsenal in his home than Hezbollah, the United Nations has every reason to threaten sanctions followed by armed intervention if he fails to turn over the weapons. However perilous, there can be no compromises when it comes to the spread of liberty and democracy.
See, it's never easy being the morals cop. Sometimes the facts are plain, sometimes they're complicated. Successful as it has been, I'm not sure the NFL is as omniscient as it fancies itself (please see the exhibit marked Super Bowl XL, your honors).
Nevertheless, Goodell is on to something when he suggests the teams be held accountable as well. It isn't clear how that would work, but a simple ascending order of fines seems superfluous. If fines don't stop player misbehavior, they certainly won't alter even more fabulously wealthy teams.
Since team culture and the locker room are where pressure is best applied, use those points to hit where all live: the salary cap.
Create a point system for violations. Exceed the limit, and a team loses 10 percent of its salary cap for next season. A sliding scale would increase the punishment for subsequent violations.
For example, the 2007 cap is $109 million. If the threshold were criminal convictions or overwhelming evidence that exceeded a maximum of, say, three points, the Cincinnati Bengals, flirting with nine potential convictions over the past two seasons, would be down to at least $98.1 million, and falling fast.
That kind of cut would represent a large competitive disadvantage, not a death penalty but a serious blow in a parity-suffused league. It would force owners and managers to think harder about a risky acquisition, force teammates to pressure one another into conforming, and reduce a little the league politics of judging accountability.
Nothing the NFL comes up with will change human nature. Perhaps the only hope is to postpone it a little until, as with the Seahawks' Jerramy Stevens, the player is dumb enough to be a free agent when he decides to score more points on his breath-alcohol test than in a playoff game.
Then again, where morality fails, perhaps technology can provide an answer.
Attach an audio device to each player that responds to the sound of, "Let's give a big Gentlemen's Club welcome at stage three to Wendy Whoppers" with a 50,000-volt electrical shock. Unconscious until the emergency medical technicians can slide his gurney into the ambulance, the player is gone before the fight starts and the cops and media arrive.
It would be an $80,000 blow to charity. Somebody has to pay.
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